Here we are, driving down this same stretch of highway, pointed towards Indy, for what seems like the hundredth time this year. If anyone could do this drive blindfolded, it’d be me, well maybe. This time the husband/father unit is with us, so I get to sit and type for this last distance between Terra Haute and Indy. I get to update you all, while my stomach churns with butterflies, my mind races with reasons to run and turn around, my brain tries to reason with it all, and you get to feel some of the agony I’m feeling.
The last few days have been rough. I had put off packing and planning (I’m a planner – this is very out of character). I tried to make up excuses to call the whole thing off. The last few weeks have been filled with my heart and my brain fighting. My knowledge challenged my love and need to protect.
She can’t be cut on again. She has to be. NO! YES! WHY!? Cause her back is not going to hold. She will continue to cave in on herself. Her body has to have this done. WHY HER!? (My brain likes to say this one the most!)
I had to stop and get our beagle Norbert’s medications yesterday from the vet. The ladies there knew Bai had an upcoming surgery, we go to the vet too often, and asked again what it was for. My voice chokes on the words. Spinal Rods. I HATE these 2 words – really – I HATE THEM! Saying Spinal Rods is like lead bullets being shot from my mouth. They have stolen time, they have stolen abilities, they have stolen health, they have stolen joy, they have stolen money, and they made the most beautiful 16 year old straight, for nearly 9 years. They failed us. They failed us twice. They are the worst – and I miss them. Tomorrow, they better be worth it. They will be.
Bai has to have them. Her little heart, her little lungs, they need the space her spine is robbing from her.
We have to be at Riley at 5:30 am, Indy time, so that’s 4:30 am at home. We will watch again as they wheel her down a hallway, through doors we can not cross through, and to another surgery we can not prevent. All 6 of us will sit in a waiting room. Breath held. Hearts in worry. Minds in prayer. We will wait to see her. We will think of the days to come after surgery. We will try to think of the next day and the next day. We will take joy in knowing that only a few days till we can all be at home again. WE will pray for her unicorn and the staff set to the task of her care. WE will break a little. There will be tears, mainly mine, Pray with us. Cry with us. Take joy with us. Tomorrow is just a step to a better Bailynn, a better quality of life, and we should not have had to do it again.
Tomorrow I will update as much as I can, and for all the days till we get her back home. Those are the days I will be reaching for. Home. Tomorrow is the beginning, the beginning of getting her feeling good again! We have summer coming! The pool is about to be open! Her 17th birthday is in 17 days!!! WHAT!?
We have good days to come, we just have to get there.