I think this spring hit me a little harder than I had anticipated. My facebook stream started filling up with happy graduates; children Bai’s age. My feed had post after post of college visits and acceptance letters with smiling families – proud parents. My heart ached.
Graduation cards started arriving in the mail and I could barely open them. They got me chocked up. How? Why did this shake me so? I still am not 100% sure why this was such a pivotal moment of sorrow for me.
I took some time away from social media. I blocked feeds that involved graduation and colleges for some time. I focused on the springs surgeries that she needed done, her turning 18 and the cast that seemed to stay on for forever.
I told myself it was ok that Bailynn didn’t “graduate”. I had teased for months that I was going to have Bai a graduation party, but when the time came, my heart was too broke. I was too upset. My sadness silly, but real.
I have sat here telling myself how much more she has endured. How high school should be the last of my thoughts.
I think about how many days and nights she has fought, how much life and love we  have poured into her.
I see her smiling with her bucket of toys. I watch her smile go all the way to her eyes when joy fills her up. I listen to her deep giggle and hearty laugh. I have seen her with IV ports, oxygen, monitors, breathing treatments, diapers, incisions, drain tubes and casts and have seen more seizures than I’d like to ever count.
I’ve seen her suffer and persevere. No diploma needed. Her gown, hospital grade.

I will never see her in a cap and gown.
I will never see her in a wedding gown.
I will never see her in a lot of things – like roller blades (see keeping it light).
Till now, I had somewhat (in my head) accepted this.

Many years ago I made the choice to understand God’s will for Bai. I made the choice to stop praying to change her and pray to change me. I made the choice to see the lessons set before us. We focused on what she could do, not what she couldn’t. Her developmental age makes me so angry when people ask…..18!!! Stop comparing her. I don’t compare her! Our family sees her. Our friends sees her. She is Bailynn and that is O.K.
It still hurts to see moments that she can’t touch.
Another thing that ends with “can’t” and I caught myself comparing – how very human of me.
I will try harder to update more. It has been weird hard year.

For Her.

Photo By: Shillawna Ruffner Photography (check her out, she rocks!!!)

2 thoughts on “Radio Silence

  1. I don’t know you personally but I’m so glad one of my favorite people in high school picked YOU to marry! I’m in awe of the way you are and the vulnerability it takes to be human and show us that. Thank you for your example of being a Bad A mom! You keep mommas like me so very humbled and proud to have you as an example!


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