So, we leave for Indy in one week to embark on this next surgery adventure. I’d typically have our bags packed, lists made, the cleaning list outlined, and my action plan for the next few days, but I don’t. I am not sleeping. Instead, I have fallen into a pattern of repeated bad dreams, no sleep, and lack of will to do my common “we are leaving” tasks.
My pleasant distraction has been making invitations, save the dates, and even bridal shower invites for 4 different brides. I even had fun designing some sweet petite Thank You cards the other day and looking into building an ecommerce website (basically researching which one is best right now) and setting up a “shop” page here until I can come to a decision as to what to use.
Sleep however is the biggest issue as of right now. I haven’t been the best sleeper for the last 16 years, but I have never been so disturbed by a reoccurring nightmare that I have had over the last few weeks. As many of you know, we LOVE Qdoba. It is our favorite restaurant. The girls are super excited that there is one close to the hospital next week and the potential of Qdoba over-dose is likely! However, my dream takes me there.
Every night, when I close my eyes, my world spins into a scene of our family sitting at the back booth at our local Qdoba. We are all sitting, gloom filled, stabbing at our untouched gumbo. It feels cold and drained of color. The scene pans and our spoons jut up and down, no words. The crowd streams around us, busy as always, like cloudy fog and our world just sits still. We are out of time and space. Our family looks odd, off, like fiction set in reality. There amongst us is Bai’s wheelchair, all I can see is the back and it is tucked at the end of the booth, per our norm. The scene pans again, more jutting, more foggy people zip by, but now I can see her wheelchair and it is empty. Cold. Blank. Our eyes glance towards it. The whole space feels emptier. We fade to ash and dissolve. Like sorrow swallowed us. Every night. This is where I go. Her empty chair, our empty hearts, our untouched food, and life spinning about us in a fog. It is a horrifying cycle.
I think my first night to actually sleep will be a week from tomorrow when this is all over. Maybe then, my mind can rest, even amongst beeping machines and nurse interruptions. I just want this thing to be over. Not only that, but I want Monday, March the 7th, to just be another day. I don’t want to make lists, plans or have an outline. I just want the day to come and go. We are making a run to Indy, having rods that are infected and terrorizing Bailynn’s life removed, and then we are coming home. Right?. Simple.
Then we will have to deal with recovery, being stuck at home till she is well enough to be moved about. We will have post-op visits. We will have a chance to see where and what, but not until March 8th. I want it to be March 8th. I don’t want to sit in a waiting room getting updates on her. I don’t want to be surrounded by sad people waiting for their loved ones in surgery as well. I want her next to me and it all done. Come what may after that. We will deal. We will deal if she can’t sit in things. We will deal if the evil scoliosis comes back into our lives. We will deal with muscles that have not been used in years. We will deal with her pelvic bone being able to finally swivel forward and back again. We will deal with post op vomiting, antibiotics, pain management, and life. I just want to leap to the dealing with part. Time machine anyone? Nope. Sheesh.
On a super happy side note, a second Sylvia has been located, thanks to Bob’s cousin, Kathryn, in Indianapolis. She does exist! We didn’t have a magical unicorn! Other people do/did have her! We are still on the look out for more, because I doubt Bai’s love-affair for her is going to end, over night, after nearly 16 years. Aunt Carla, you should have given me 10 at my baby shower 16 years ago! haha, hindsight!
In the hospital I will up-date as much as possible. Small updates will be on fb, and I’ll post that evening once Bai is out of surgery and all is well (see my positive thinking! now if my dreams would get on board!).
Don’t forget to wear your Bai shirt on March 7th. If you don’t have one, and you want one, the designs are for sale in my Zazzle Store. You can change the shirt options such as style and color and the price will change based on selection. I just picked a shirt when I designed them. (They always have coupons. Just go to retailmenot.com and put in zazzle)